Fanon VS Canon by Equipoise
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Hermione Granger stared, open mouthed with horror, at the spectacle before her. The bottom of her stomach seemed to drop to the floor as the scene continued to play itself out. Beside her, she heard a faint growl escaping the thin lips of Professor Severus Snape. They stood, frozen in mutual surprise for several minutes. He found his voice first.

\"What is the meaning of this?\" Professor Snape\'s voice was low and dangerous.

\"WhAt dOeS he MeAn, SeVviE-PoO?\" Cooed the curly-haired vision of loveliness before them, as she took the arm of her tall companion.

\"I haven\'t the slightest idea, my dearest Hermione. Perhaps there is a spell upon us!\" The tall man purred back, as he swung his dark, silken hair over one masculine shoulder and clasped the young girl\'s delicate hand.

\"Oh nOoOo! WhAt ShaLL wE Do, mY dArLiNg?\" Dearest Hermione asked Sevvie-Poo.

Hermione Granger and Professor Snape exchanged glances. His gaze held a seething anger and Hermione looked away quickly, fearful of being assigned blame, or worse, detention. Her mind worked over the problem, trying to identify each piece of the puzzle before placing them in the proper location. Here seemed to be two skewed facsimiles of herself and Professor Snape. By the way they continued to paw and slobber at one another, she could safely guestimate that they were -dear Merlin!- involved. A loop-hole to an alternate universe seemed highly illogical, especially as \'Hogwarts: A History\' spoke of no such possiblities within school grounds.

\"Miss Granger.\"

She fought the urge to escape to the library as Professor Snape addressed her directly. \"Yes, Sir?\"

\"What do you know of this?\" the contempt oozed out of him as he gestured one bony hand jerkily toward the nearly oblivious lovers.

\"I- I don\'t know anything about them, sir.\" She stammered.

\"Well,\" he snorted, \"This is certainly a first. The know-it-all knows nothing.\" He stepped forward, wand at the ready. \"I will tolerate this ridiculous display no longer!\"

Sevvie-poo slinked forward- as easily as a man in tight leather pants can slink- and addressed Professor Snape in a calm and controlled manner. \"Sir, I understand you are as confused as we. However, my lady-love and I are truly remarkable wizards. I would not advise any rash actions.\" He gazed adoringly back at Dearest Hermione until she pranced up to join him, her large bosom bouncing buoyantly in time. Sevvie-poo wrapped one muscular arm around the slim waist of his beloved and furrowed his chiseled brow in thought. \"What were the two of you doing when we appeared?\"

\"Ah... I was walking to the library.\" Hermione Granger looked curious now.

\"Oh! tHaT\'s WheRe I wAs GoiNg to MeEt SwEet SeVviE fOr OnE oF oUr SpEciAl StUdy SeSsiOnS!\" Dearest Hermione nearly collapsed with giggles.

When he could finally be heard again, a very irritated Professor Snape added \"I was also going to the library.\" His sallow face flushed slightly. \"To find a very important textbook.\"

Dearest Hermione and Sevvie exchanged glances, but, thankfully, stayed silent.

Hermione Granger\'s face lit up. \"So, perhaps there was some sort of portkey or unusual circumstance near the library! You know Kiren Tefflehart says in \'Finding Alternate Realities\' that the most unusual circumstances-\"

\"You silly girl, will you shut up?\" Professor Snape snapped.

Hermione Granger looked down, sheepishly and tucked away a few stray, frizzy curls.

\"Oh, I rEmEmBer WhEn YoU uSeD tO cAll Me A siLLy GiRl. YoU tEaSe!\" Dearest Hermione cast a simpering look up at her lover.

\"Well it seems to me that all we need do is reverse our actions and it will take us back to the beginning. Don\'t you agree, Dearest?\"

Dearest only batted her lashes in response. Sevvie seemed to take this as a confirmation and began to walk, quite confidently, backwards. Anyone else entwined with another person would have fallen over while attempting this manuever. Somehow, Sevvie and Dearest Hermione simply moved in unison.

\"This is preposterous! You can\'t simply reverse a spell by...\" Professor Snape\'s booming baritone faded away as, to his astonishment, Sevvie and Dearest Hermione simply disappeared.

Professor Snape and Hermione Granger stood for several minutes staring at the spot where the horrid apparitions had been. Finally, they met one another\'s eyes. Without a word, they each turned on one heel and walked quickly away, down opposite ends of the deserted corridor.

It was silently agreed that they must have both been very, very drunk.

A/N:
Anyone who has read my other stories knows I love a good HG/SS but there are so many cliches, I just had to poke fun at a few...